27/02/2023
Nin knocked twice on the door, that’s all she needed. A few footsteps and a second and a half later the door opened swiftly. This was Lani’s home, someone she had only met a few months ago. Yet they’ve developed a routine together, every day after work, Nin would go to the small apartment that Lani lives in and they’d spend the rest of the day there. Lani would welcome her with a wide smile on her face and invite her to eat the ramen in her fridge, watch whatever shows she liked on the small TV on the bedside, or just talk endlessly, and Nin would listen. They met of a mutual knowledge of a particular girl who stood out during her times in their lives. For Lani, she was a childhood friend whom she lost touch with, for Nin, she was someone very important, who ended up disappearing off the face of the earth. Sometimes, they’d imagine together where this girl in particular ended up. Maybe she’d started making music for a niche audience, maybe she stopped smoking and went on a path of purity and healing, maybe she died in a ditch somewhere. Lani used to always mention the last idea, while Nin would always shift in her seat.

“It’s possible, it’s definitely possible, right?” Lani would say, and Nin would respond, “Can we stop talking about this?” and Lani’s gaze would go still, and she’d stop talking for a few minutes, and then point out something in the show they were watching together. In spite of conversations like this, talking with Lani about this girl did help Nin with her feelings of bitterness about her. It was less of a lonely experience, constantly thinking about someone who exited her life ages ago, when there was someone else trying to track that same person down. That being a fruitless effort, as Lani said, since the girl was nowhere to be found on any sites.

Nowadays they don’t talk as much about her. Instead they talk about the magical girl tragedy show Lani loves, or Nin’s reaction to said show, or what to eat for dinner, the dinner that Nin usually ends up cooking. Lani doesn’t like a lot of food, but she likes whatever Nin cooks her. Lani also doesn’t like getting groceries, or getting mail, or going outside at all for that matter. All of which Nin helps her with. Lani would always be apologetic about it, or whatever apologetic looks like on her face. She’d mumble “I rely on you too much.” or “You should say no more often, Nin”. Nin would always reassure her, “I don’t mind.” because really, she didn’t. It wasn’t anything she wasn’t used to, anyways. If anything, it felt nice to be relied on and needed. She almost felt sure that they’d be in each other’s lives for a while. Today, there was barely anything in the fridge. Nin made a mental note to bring basic ingredients the next day. The only thing left was two cups of instant noodles, which she was usually against eating, but Lani seemed to enjoy happily. While Nin boiled water, Lani mixed the flavors and sauces into the noodles the way she liked it. They ate it Lani’s way as per usual. After eating, they’d lay in bed doing nothing, or rewatching whatever show Lani liked. Nin would drift asleep sometimes, before realizing she had work tomorrow and said goodbye. Lani would always look at her like a droopy rabbit, and Nin would always promise her she’d be back, and she’d always come back the next day.

This type of routine, to Nin, was all she needed. It felt healing compared to the everyday she walked through in highschool, where there was always something going on. She could blame this on that particular girl, Dee, and she definitely did blame it on her. Nin shook her head and tried to think of something else as she went home. Tomorrow, she’ll buy some ingredients to make soup for Lani.

-

The ingredients she needed were chicken, celery, spices, eggs and so on. The same soup her mother used to make her, that she now makes for Dee, and now Lani. It was noticeably quiet in the grocery store, frustratingly quiet. Nin’s thoughts raced back and forth to the scent of chicken broth, smoke, salt, and smoke. It wasn’t pleasant that everyday her thoughts would be taken over by two specific women. Two women that unceremoniously kicked her out of their lives with little thought. Nin found that it was easy to distract yourself when you’re busy taking care of someone. Chicken, celery, spices, eggs and so on. Ingredients she needed to make soup for Lani. Without thinking about anything else, she bought what she needed and took off.

The road to Lani’s apartment was not short. It left a lot of time for Nin to be alone with her thoughts. But each time her thoughts would tilt back to the same people, and the same hurt feeling. It made her feel small and pathetic, like a teenager’s grudge. Her last week of break before college was spent refreshing the missed call screen on her cracked phone. It was terribly isolating, not being able to befriend someone without being dependent on them. Now, she assured herself, now was different. Now we both need each other as much as the other. Now we’re equals. She knocked on the door twice. Lani opened it immediately.

-

Nin met Dee in her second year of high school. The backside of the school would lead to a bunch of street food sellers and wild dogs and if you’re lucky, some kids smoking at 17. Dee was one of them, and when Nin caught her, she showed off the spot like it was a treasure, something to behold of. Nin, of course, wasn’t amused, she was an avid Christian’s daughter and despite not always being on the teacher’s good side, followed their rules. Dee scowled at her reaction, told her if she wanted to tell Dee what to do, she could, as Dee put it, “Eat shit and die.” Nin noted her vulgarity, she was also drawn to her. She didn’t want to change Dee’s behavior, it’s not like she was part of any student council. She knew Dee probably didn’t want to change hers. So she talked, and Dee didn’t listen at first, but then she seemed to find something in the conversation. Not to gain, moreso something to share.

“You’re really not gonna snitch?” Dee’s legs were short and had little scabs all over, dirt showed up in some of them. Nin paid attention to the way she spoke and the way she walked, the way she smoked and the way her eyes would flicker. “I told you, I have nothing to gain from telling the teacher, it’s not like they like me.” Nin’s legs in comparison had more fat to them, were smoother and had more visible hair. “Teachers are psycho” was all Dee said in response, and Nin didn’t say anything back. They continued walking along.

This memory of Dee came forward above all the other memories. Her first impression of Dee, compared to how she turned out to be. She seemed like an angry teenager, and now Nin didn’t know how to describe her impression of Dee. Dee became a whole person in her eyes, complex and intricate, too many personality traits to count. A complicated person who hurt her, but complicated nonetheless. It had become difficult to simplify her or flatten her into something hateable. Nin opted to not think about it this time. Chicken, celery, spices, eggs, and so on. A simple, hearty soup to make for your loved ones.

-

“What are you thinking about?” Lani said, snapping Nin out of her trance. Nin had been thinking about Dee, again, while making Lani’s soup. Of course, she’d rather not say that, so she lied, “Nothing” slipped out of her tongue easily, an obvious lie. Lani tilted her head at this, but said nothing of it. Lani, compared to Dee, was a calmer presence, she made answers in her head and settled with them. Dee would’ve asked for the truth and only the truth, nothing else. Nin didn’t know whether or not she preferred this of Lani. Lani and Dee, and Nin, spun inside her head a thousand times over.

The soup had been finished, it was enough to feed two mouths for the day. She placed the bowl on the small table too short to accompany chairs. Lani happily crouched down and sat in front of Nin. She feasted at her bowl one by one, scooping up every remains of it. Nin didn’t eat much of hers, insisting to herself that she wasn’t very hungry, that watching Lani eat was enough. Lani took what Nin gave her easily, not denying herself the joy of being taken care of. This trait differed from Dee, yet again. Dee used to throw away the soup Nin made her. She would deny it, but Nin knew, she always knew. Right now that shouldn’t matter, though. Now she had someone who would willingly take and take and take from her, every last bit of it, consumed in one bowl of a hearty meal. Lani and Dee were so different, and yet meant the same in Nin’s life. “It was delicious as usual, Nin!” Lani clasped her hands together. She looked intently at Nin who was nodding back at her. “Thank you.” she said, scratching her neck. Lani seemed to sense that something was wrong, because she got up and walked over to Nin, closing the gap between the two.

"Nin" Lani held her hand in hers. "Do you want to be Dee? Or should I?"

Nin thought for a while. She used to always be the Dee Lani wanted, that was the routine. The routine she'd gotten used to. Lani didn't even know Dee during highschool. But...

Nin looked back at Lani, "...Can you?" she said quietly. Lani smiled back, "Of course", and things fell into place softly, as it always was with Lani.